| When I was a small child I would tremble with | | | | Without even wanting to I just made matters |
| fear and hide underneath my covers every | | | | worse and worse. My mind would never shut |
| night hoping that the hideous monster that | | | | off, not sure why. |
| lived under my bed would not devour me in one | | | | |
| bite. I mean I would literally keep my head | | | | I really think I was my own worst enmyenemy |
| covered for three to four hours at a time a | | | | because anytime some thing went wrong. I |
| pee to bed instead of going to the bathroom, | | | | would mangnifymagnify it a thousand times |
| knowing I was going to get in trouble because | | | | over and over until I would get sick yes I |
| I wet to bed. AAn ass whooping wash better | | | | threw up very often when I got all worked up |
| than getting eaten by a monster, that I | | | | and woldwould not stop for a couple of days, |
| actually would see or thought I would see! | | | | my Dr. always said he will grow out of it! |
| The sheer and utter fear running through my | | | | Guess what I am thirty -seven and I still |
| veins I can't relate in mere words. I would | | | | haven't grown out of it |
| see a ghost as I shivered in fright, hear | | | | |
| things that only I heard, and see things no | | | | I do know one reason I was so afraid of the |
| one else saw. I would do almost anything to | | | | dark-because of the closet incident. That |
| keep from being alone. | | | | really terrified me and made matters far |
| | | | worse than they needed to be! But more on |
| (I DREADED BEING BY MYSELF.) | | | | that later. Here I've been telling you this |
| | | | story of my life and I haven't even |
| I would spend days with friends over or be at | | | | introduced my family yet. |
| their house. I had tons of friends, needed | | | | |
| them all as they were my lifeline, my pulse, | | | | (PLEASE FORGIVE ME!) |
| so to speak. If I wasn't alone the fear was | | | | |
| far less. I am sure this drove my parent's | | | | I am the youngest of four boys. My oldest |
| nuts as I was always asking if someone could | | | | brother, Jeff, is about eleven years older |
| spend the night or if I could stay over at | | | | than I am. As siblings go we never really had |
| their house. | | | | too many problems. He was the one who always |
| | | | helped me with my homework, especially |
| Now when they would say no, I thought that I | | | | math-he was great at that! Yet later it was |
| might die! I mean if someone was staying over | | | | from his and my brother Bill's room where I |
| there was a less chance of the monster or | | | | would get some of my marijuana and other |
| ghost getting me, can't they see that I | | | | drugs. They lived up in the attic, which went |
| "NEEDED" them, my friends! | | | | over the whole house, man they were lucky! |
| | | | |
| My father had no patience with me whatsoever | | | | Jeff was the one I would always steal from, |
| and this bothered me a lot. I always felt as | | | | and not just drugs! I'd take his change. I |
| though he didn't spend enough time with me, | | | | think what really pissed him off was when I |
| and this scared me. Now, don't let me say it | | | | took from his coin collection, man was he |
| was just me. He never said I love you to any | | | | mad. Yet he could never prove that I did it, |
| of us kids or to my mother, for that matter. | | | | even though he knew it was me! I would also |
| My father did do things with us, it just | | | | steal from our lunch money fund (we all did), |
| seems like it wasn't enough for me for | | | | and my dad's coin collection, so don't let me |
| whatever reason, not sure why. I do know that | | | | sit here and tell you I was a perfect child |
| I have always wanted my dad to say I love | | | | because I was not. I was ornery and I have |
| you! I must tell you he did not say those | | | | always wanted to have money! |
| words until I was thirty-three years old and | | | | |
| it was one of the best days of my life! I was | | | | (WHO DOESN'T?) |
| just beaming. | | | | |
| | | | My next brother was Bill, a few years younger |
| Now let me tell you this was not all my dads | | | | than Jeff. I really don't remember having a |
| fault, back then they knew less about | | | | lot of problems with him either, yet there |
| bi-polar and ADHD and this made it hard for | | | | had to be some. Well, there was one time that |
| our family relations and no one understood me | | | | comes to mind. He had gotten a new pump BB |
| and now I can see why. Please know that no | | | | gun, and we were all fascinated with it and |
| one does anything to hurt other people. They | | | | thought he was hot shit. We were outside one |
| do the best with what they have at that | | | | day after it had rained. Well, he told me, |
| present in time in there reality. | | | | "Take off your shoe and put it in that water |
| | | | puddle, then I'll shoot your foot." Now he |
| (YOU'D THINK THAT I HAD JUST GOTTEN A NEW CAR | | | | assured me that it wouldn't hurt because the |
| OR SOMETHING!) | | | | water would stop the BB. Being the gullible |
| | | | little brother that I was, I said sure! Let |
| I am not trying to paint a negative picture | | | | me state here that I really believed him, |
| of my father; it's just that he was from the | | | | really believed that it would not hurt and |
| old school where men didn't share their | | | | the BB would be stopped. So I put my foot in |
| emotions very much. I know that now and | | | | the water and then |
| understand it, but that does not mean that I | | | | |
| like it because I don't but being a father | | | | BAM! |
| now I can understand where he was coming from | | | | |
| and why he had to do what he was | | | | Man, I started screaming, "Mom, mom!" Yes, it |
| thaughttaught and I in return, raise my | | | | hurt, and man was I screaming and crying. |
| children in a totally different way. I must | | | | Needless to say I would not have loved to |
| say the way chidsChilds are today maybe just | | | | have been Bill when my dad got home! I really |
| maybe they should let some of this discipline | | | | don't hold any hard feelings against him, we |
| ease it'sits way back into child rearing! I | | | | were just being kids. It's just sometimes you |
| truly feel that that sort of upbringing hurts | | | | are on the receiving end, and I guess that |
| a child in many ways! I tell my children I | | | | day it was my turn to receive. |
| love them sometimes up to four times a day | | | | |
| and I feel that it helps them to grow up | | | | (DARN IT!) |
| knowing that someone cares about them. I | | | | |
| don't, however, believe my father had | | | | Then there was my brother James. He was just |
| anything to do with the fact that I could | | | | a year and a half older than me, and we never |
| literally not stand to be alone! | | | | got along, never. We were always fighting for |
| | | | some reason, and he always won. I was just a |
| Then there was the problem of the endless | | | | small runt after all! I mean a really small |
| amount of energy that I had. Wasn't sure | | | | runt and he would kill me all the time. There |
| where it came from or how to get rid of it, | | | | were plenty of times when I asked for it, yet |
| or what to do about it! Energy that I always | | | | he would really let me have it and of course, |
| had. | | | | I was the type who had to have the last word |
| | | | no matter what. Even when he had just whooped |
| (GO...GO...GO...GO...) | | | | my butt, out came more from my mouth and he |
| | | | didn't like that and would give me some more. |
| Never slowing down, energy always there, | | | | I mean he was ruthless and used to kick my |
| without fail. My mind would race for hours | | | | butt, I really mean, kick my butt. Please |
| upon hours-a lot of things to do! Yes, I was | | | | know he was not all that bad, as he was the |
| hyperactive, wasn't sure why. Just wanted to | | | | one who always protected me from bullies, |
| slow down! I wanted to cry! | | | | because I was small but had a big mouth. I'm |
| | | | just being honest here. |
| (I WANTED TO SLEEP FOR A CHANGE!) | | | | |
| | | | I've already talked a little about my mom. |
| This affected me everywhere, at school and at | | | | Even though she could be tough, we almost |
| home. I was always interrupting everyone and | | | | always deserved it, that I can assure you. |
| getting yelled at for it, I could not slow | | | | Mom and I got along great most of the time. I |
| down, I was always getting in trouble in | | | | was her baby and got away with murder at |
| school, getting yelled at home and I was | | | | times, and oh, how I loved my mom, we were |
| alfulawful anxious all the time like being on | | | | very close and whenever a problem came up it |
| pins and needle all day long and after awhile | | | | was always Mom, Mom, Mom, and she would |
| it would strartstart to hurt! I would never | | | | always come running to help me. I will never |
| shut up, I mean I would go on and on and this | | | | forget the love she extended to me! I have |
| drove my parents and teachers nuts. At times, | | | | very fond memories of my mother and the |
| I thought they were going to wring my neck! | | | | things we would do together. She was our den |
| | | | leader in Boy Scouts and Webelos. |
| I remember back in first grade I was always | | | | |
| getting into trouble for talking out aloud | | | | Last but not least, there was Dad. Let me |
| and interrupting the class. At times I could | | | | tell you, I love my father and was always |
| not stay in my seat, always had to be moving, | | | | looking for his approval, as it meant so much |
| I mean what do they expect from me I was only | | | | to me that I can't explain it to you in |
| seven at the time and I was born prematurely | | | | words. I don't want to paint a picture of my |
| and I think this gave me a predisposing to | | | | dad like he was this tyrant; you just have to |
| have a mental health disorder, I am sure of | | | | remember what time frame this was and how he |
| it now looking back! The only thing that | | | | had been raised. He came from an era when you |
| saved me was the fact that my first grade | | | | listened to your folks, and he made sure that |
| teacher loved me; she treated me like a king! | | | | was the case in our house. My children even |
| Yet at times, she had to be firm with me, | | | | mind him. |
| putting me in the corner, or sending me on | | | | |
| one of my frequent visits to the principal's | | | | (HOW HE PULLS THIS OFF IS BEYOND ME.) |
| office. I remember going to the | | | | |
| pricplesprinciples off often and I would see | | | | My dad did make a big effort to spend time |
| Mr. KrinkyCranky and we all called him, Mr. | | | | with us kids. When we were in Boy Scouts he |
| Twinkie, I remember slipping once and calling | | | | was the scoutmaster. This wasn't easy, as he |
| him Mr. Twinkie, and let me tell you he let | | | | was always working to support our family. I |
| loose on me and my ass was red and throbbing, | | | | must tell you those are some of my fondest |
| I really could barley sit down for real! | | | | moments that I have of my father and me |
| Lambert was a true angel, even when she would | | | | spending time together and I cherish them to |
| sit me in the corner with the dunce hat on. | | | | this day! So Dad was not all bad and don't |
| When I stop and think back to those days, I | | | | let me sit here and tell you he was, because |
| remember I couldn't stand those stupid hats. | | | | that is not the case. |
| What a terrible way to punish someone, to | | | | |
| make them wear a damn hat. | | | | I remember one time at scout camp this mean |
| | | | guy tried to get me to eat this crap I didn't |
| (HOW EMBARRASSING!) | | | | want and he mad me sit there for a few hours, |
| | | | well to make a long story short my dad |
| Yet I remember clearly that this was the | | | | finally figured out that I was not around and |
| practice in the real early seventies. I guess | | | | he found out what was going on, I saw him |
| it was better than going to the principal's | | | | running up the hill and yelling this other |
| office to get a whack! | | | | guy and when I saw dad I started to cry! Let |
| | | | me tell you that other got his ass beat, dad |
| I mean you are sitting in the class roam and | | | | clean his clock and that was the last time I |
| everyone was looking at you in the corner | | | | ever had a problem with that fellow. |
| wearing that big white hat and you knew you | | | | |
| were going to get laughed at recess, yes they | | | | Now that you've met my family, let me tell |
| would tease me but I was always ready to | | | | you about an incident that had a huge effect |
| fight! | | | | on my young life. One day my mom was giving |
| | | | my brother James and me a bath, and we were |
| Needless to say I didn't do too well in first | | | | playing and have a good old time! Fighting |
| grade; actually I got held back. At that | | | | for this toy and that one, I mean really |
| point in my life it wasn't too bad, as I was | | | | driving our mother crazy; this was when we |
| too young to realize the true significance of | | | | were small children, of course. Anyway, we |
| being held back. Yet I can remember telling | | | | were playing and my brother got really mad at |
| myself that I was a dummy and wasn't smart | | | | me for some reason. Suddenly he yelled out, |
| enough. You would think that they could see | | | | |
| that since I was so hyper and did poorly in | | | | "YOU ARE NOT MY BROTHER, YOU WERE ADOPTED!" |
| school that I had ADHD (Attention Deficit | | | | |
| Hyperactive Disorder), yet nobody even | | | | Oh, how I didn't understand this! Why wasn't |
| considered the fact that I may have had a | | | | I told? What was wrong with me that my |
| mental illness. This puzzles me to this day. | | | | biological mother and father did not want me? |
| You would think that our family physician | | | | I must truly be unlovable! How could they |
| would have realized that I had ADHD, but he | | | | have lied to me all these years? Who was I |
| didn't and oh, how this would have helped me | | | | really? Was there something wrong with me? I |
| greatly if I could have had my Ritalin, | | | | was only five years old yet the questions |
| because I'm not sure I can explain how hard | | | | just started to pour out! Did I belong here? |
| schoolwork was for me. | | | | Did they really want me? Was I truly loved? I |
| | | | cried and cried for the longest time! How |
| (I MEAN IT WAS TOUGH!) | | | | could this happen to me? I was now a misfit. |
| | | | I belonged to no one and no one really loved |
| I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT SINCE I HAVE BEEN ON | | | | me the way I should be loved. |
| RITALIN I CAN NOW SAY I HAVE CREATIVE TALENT | | | | |
| THAT WAS NOT PRESENT BEFORE! | | | | Right or wrong, young as I was, that's the |
| | | | way that I felt! These were just some of the |
| Being held back was made a little more | | | | questions that go through a small child's |
| tolerable because one of my best friends got | | | | mind and mine was very active and never |
| was held back also. His name was Kevin and we | | | | really slowed down, and the questions just |
| were great fiends. We played together every | | | | kept coming one right after the other. The |
| day. Either heHe was at my house or I was at | | | | more I would think of it the worse I would |
| his, or we were up at the school playing | | | | feel! You have the mind of a child and then |
| football or basketball or baseball, we played | | | | |
| them all. This was back when you didn't have | | | | WHAM, IT HITS YOU! |
| to worry about your kids playing outside. We | | | | |
| were only six or seven and, we could go three | | | | A huge task of trying to sort something out |
| blocks away, and play until the streetlights | | | | that many young adults and older adults have |
| came on, then it was time to get home. AndIn | | | | trouble with, let alone a five-year-old, and |
| addition, I always went home, because I did | | | | with the way my mind worked it spelled |
| not want to get my dad after me, that I | | | | certain disaster and terrible results to |
| cancould tell ya. His wrath was terrifying. | | | | follow! I can't remember much back to that |
| All he had dodone was look at me and I | | | | point, yet I can tell you I never really got |
| behaved, of this I can assure you. AndIn | | | | over it and to this day it is one of my least |
| addition, if I didn't listen it was off with | | | | favorite things to remember. I can't recall |
| the belt, and let me tell you he let me have | | | | all the details. I just know that that night |
| it! I was terrified of my father. This was | | | | in the bathtub changed me forever and by now |
| back in the days when discipline was still | | | | I am sure you can tell that it wasn't for the |
| allowed, and let me add we listened! | | | | good. Oh, how I longed to be part of |
| | | | something that was real. Everything up to |
| Now don't think my father was all bad because | | | | that point was all just a dream and my |
| he wasn't, just to me everything bad I | | | | reality was shattered. |
| remember was REALLY BAD, and good stuff | | | | |
| doesn't seem so good as I go back into my | | | | (DAMMIT, THAT HURT ME BAD!) |
| childhood life! | | | | |
| | | | Then there was the time that someone locked |
| Now my mother was much easier, yet if we | | | | me in a closet for three hours. Yes this |
| pushed her to the limit she would really let | | | | terrified me. (And no, it wasn't my parents |
| us have it. I received hundreds of spankings | | | | who locked me in there.) I believe that this |
| by my mom! They wouldn't hurt that bad at | | | | is why I have always been afraid of the dark |
| all, but I dared not laugh or she would | | | | and nighttime. I remember yelling and |
| really let loose, so I always acted like it | | | | screaming and kicking the door until my hands |
| really hurt. We didn't want to push her too | | | | and feet were throbbing with pain! |
| far, however, because then she would tell | | | | |
| DAD. | | | | (I HAD TO GET OUT!) |
| | | | |
| (AND THEN IT WAS LIGHTS OUT!) | | | | (WONDERING IF I WAS GOING TO LIVE!) |
| | | | |
| When that happened we were honestly scared | | | | (WAS THAT HIDEOUS MONSTER GOING TO GET ME?) |
| the rest of the afternoon because whenever we | | | | |
| didn't obey my mother my dad would tear into | | | | Was this where I first got the idea of the |
| us really good. That was one thing my father | | | | monsters and ghosts? I can't remember how old |
| would not accept-not respecting our | | | | I was; all I can tell you about this is that |
| mother-and it was off with the belt and I | | | | it terrified me and that |
| mean when they say you won't be able to sit | | | | |
| down for a week, it was true, because he | | | | I NEVER REALLY HAVE GOTTEN OVER THE PAIN OF |
| would let us have it! Needless to say I only | | | | THAT EXPERIENCE! |
| received two or three spankings from my dad, | | | | |
| that's all; I knew better than to push my mom | | | | Why would someone do such a cruel thing? Not |
| that far! | | | | sure! I can't even remember who did this to |
| | | | me at all, but what I can tell you is that it |
| Now do I believe you should be spanked? Great | | | | really messed me up bad and made my life a |
| question and I would say it depends. Now I | | | | living hell. Oh, how I feared the dark and |
| don't spank and to tell you the truth I | | | | nighttime from then on; it was like going to |
| probably should the way my children treat | | | | hell at age five or six. Every day for a |
| there mother is a tragedy so say the least! I | | | | long, long time afterward I kept reliving the |
| mean if they ever talk to me like that I | | | | closet feelings over and over. I can't even |
| would lower the boom on them, so basically if | | | | explain to you how I felt and how hard I was |
| I would spank it would a love just hard | | | | screaming for a solid straight three hours. I |
| enough so they knew they wouldn't want | | | | really thought I was going to die! |
| another! | | | | |
| | | | (OH HOW MY THROAT WAS RAW!) |
| Now let me tell you about the time I lit the | | | | |
| front porch on fire. I took gasoline and put | | | | When would it end? What kind of childhood did |
| it under the porch in our secret hideout. Our | | | | I have? You tell me! When remembering back it |
| house was absolutely huge. I mean gigantic is | | | | is like a picture of an abstract painting |
| a word that better described it; you could | | | | with thousands and thousands of colors but |
| literally get lost in it! The porch went from | | | | with only the opportunity to see black and |
| one side of the house and two-thirds of the | | | | white. Schoolwork continued to be hard for me |
| way around to the other side. Now, there were | | | | and only got worse. I just couldn't |
| about five blocks missing on our front porch, | | | | understand what the teachers were saying. |
| enabling us to crawl under there and play. It | | | | |
| was a cool place to play; all the neighbor | | | | (IT WENT IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER.) |
| kids and I loved to play under there. | | | | |
| | | | Oh, how I longed to be like the kid next |
| Well one day my friend David and I decided to | | | | door! Oh, how the creatures and the dreaded |
| play under there. I had this bright idea-why | | | | ghosts and the hideous monsters and let's not |
| not dig a hole and then get all the gas out | | | | leave out the Master of Darkness |
| of the garage and start a fire? I thought to | | | | |
| myself, what could it hurt? The fire would | | | | (JUST AN EXPRESSION OF THE DARKNESS AND HOW |
| stay in the hole we dug, how could anything | | | | IT ALL MADE ME FEEL)would be thrilled with |
| go wrong? Well, I'm sure you can figure out | | | | their plan. |
| that this spelled certain disaster and you | | | | |
| are right! Before you know it the whole front | | | | Pain would be their main theme, a life of |
| porch on fire! We didn't know what to do! | | | | pain! They all could see that it was working |
| | | | like the Master's dream come true! The |
| "Hurry," I said to David, "go get the hose | | | | hellish nightmares continued night after |
| from the side of the house, we gotta get this | | | | night and if you must know, I still have |
| thing out, or my dad is going to kill me!" | | | | weird and whacked out dreams sometimes that |
| | | | remind me of a time long ago, but they are |
| I was frantically throwing dirt on it but | | | | finally toning down now that I am |
| could not get it to stop! My worst fear | | | | thirty-three and well on the road to |
| happened-I had caught the house on fire! I | | | | recovery. Sleep is still something to be |
| needed to go for help. I ran into the house | | | | desired at times but not very often, only |
| screaming to my mother, "The house is on | | | | once in a blue moon, I might add. With a lot |
| fire, the house is on fire!" | | | | of hard work I am getting better and the pain |
| | | | is almost gone! From time to time it rears |
| As you might imagine, this sealed my doom. | | | | its ugly head, but the Master knows he should |
| The next thing I knew the fire department was | | | | have gotten me when he had his chance! I |
| down to the house and I was sitting in a | | | | believe one day that I shall be free of all |
| chair inside crying! Once the flames were all | | | | the pain. |
| put out, in came my mother, who was fit to be | | | | |
| tied-and who could blame her? You want to | | | | (OH, HOW THE MASTER OF DARKNESS HATES |
| know the scary part? She just let me sit in | | | | THOUGHTS AND WORDS LIKE THESE.) |
| the chair for an hour, not speaking to me. I | | | | |
| knew I was in deep trouble because this meant | | | | Anyway, when I was a kid things went well |
| I had to face my father. Let me tell you, I | | | | enough that I could function and appear |
| never set anything on fire ever again. Still, | | | | normal |
| I think with my ADHD and an overactive mind | | | | |
| my parents weren't able to handle me at | | | | (WHATEVER THAT IS)to the untrained eye. HEY, |
| times, and this is understandable. I needed | | | | you can't breathe yet, it's just starting. |
| that Ritalin and didn't get it. | | | | Fifth grade- that's when things started |
| | | | getting worse. |
| So yeah some of it was the fact that I was | | | | |
| hyper and was always trying to get into some | | | | (WORSE? JUST LISTEN.) |
| kind of trouble, but a part of me could not | | | | |
| help, I really mean that, I really felt as | | | | I got put in LD. How embarrassing, me with a |
| though I had to be doing something all the | | | | learning disability, no way. I did so poorly |
| time, even if it meant getting in trouble. | | | | in fifth grade that they decided to ship me |
| | | | to another school that had an LD program. I |
| Anyway, back to my school days. As I | | | | needed to be put in two LD classes, math and |
| mentioned, I was held back in the first | | | | English. I was literally devastated. I would |
| grade, and this really wasn't that bad, | | | | have to make new friends and this scared me; |
| because the teacher was always in my corner. | | | | I did not like this idea at all and I told my |
| She loved me. | | | | parents that. I cried and cried. What was |
| | | | wrong with me that I had to be put into |
| (I WAS THE CLASS CLOWN!) | | | | special classes? Lost all my friends, how |
| | | | could I go on, what was I gonna do? At that |
| I would spurt out things here and there and | | | | point I thought about giving up and ending it |
| even the teacher would crack up. I still had | | | | all! At the tender age of twelve I thought my |
| to sit in the dunce's corner sometimes but | | | | life was over! A new school and the |
| not as much as I did the first year. I rarely | | | | embarrassment of the special classes I was |
| had to go to the principal's office anymore, | | | | put in. |
| so that was good. Everyone loved me! I was | | | | |
| king of the class! Man did it feel good, so | | | | (WHEN WOULD THIS CRAP END, WHEN WOULD I GET A |
| yes the second year was easier than the | | | | BREAK?) |
| first. What's more, I honestly could remember | | | | |
| some of the material from the first year and | | | | The master was licking his lips; he had |
| I received decent grades, which was rare for | | | | almost won! The life he sought after was |
| me in grade school, because I couldn't | | | | almost his, but then a funny thing happened. |
| understand the stuff. | | | | I saw a tiny ray of light and hope. |
| | | | |
| In spite of that, I was still always getting | | | | (YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD REMEMBER THE TURNING |
| in trouble for running in the halls. Walking | | | | POINT. I CAN'T, BUT THAT DAY I SAW HOPE FOR |
| just wasn't fast enough for me, because I | | | | THE FIRST TIME!) |
| always had to go...go...go.... One time I was | | | | |
| running down the hall and was just about to | | | | I told myself that I would work as hard as I |
| turn the corner and | | | | could and get out of those funny LD classes, |
| | | | as I thought of them as for dorks or someone |
| (WHAM!) | | | | lesser than myself. Now I know they are just |
| | | | people like you and me with their own crosses |
| I ran right into a teacher carrying an old | | | | to bear. |
| record player (remember, this was in the days | | | | |
| before CD's). There I was, blood all over; | | | | (PLEASE DON'T JUDGE AS YOU MAY BE THE NEXT |
| you know how a head wound bleeds. | | | | ONE WHO IS IN THE MASTER'S PLAN!) |
| | | | |
| Wouldn't have been so bad except I had to get | | | | Somehow I knew I was going to win deep down |
| stitches and that was when I started | | | | inside but it would take years to realize |
| screaming. I was petrified of doctors and | | | | that dream. Slowly but surely my grades |
| hospitals. It literally took six people to | | | | started to improve and I saw hope. |
| hold me down, this I can remember. I screamed | | | | |
| and screamed and carried on like they were | | | | (YES, I SAID THAT POWERFUL WORD HOPE.) |
| going to take out a kidney without any | | | | |
| anesthetics. I really don't know how the | | | | But the Master of the Night wasn't about to |
| doctor was able to sew me up. You would think | | | | let me get away with a positive thought like |
| that would give someone an idea that I had a | | | | that. That's when he let out the furious |
| mental illness, yet still no one caught on. I | | | | attack that led to the smoking of dad's pipe! |
| think my actions as a kid clearly showed that | | | | Seems innocent enough but if you only knew |
| I had ADHD. I just wish that someone would | | | | what a long and winding road this was going |
| have figured it out; it would have saved me | | | | to take me down you would honestly cry for |
| tons of pain! Although I had plenty of the | | | | hours trying to find a way so this horrible |
| symptoms, I wasn't put on Ritalin until I was | | | | story of pain and suffering would not have to |
| thirty-three. | | | | happen in anyone's life now or ever. |
| | | | |
| I can honestly tell you if you do indeed do | | | | Going to the new school wasn't so bad after |
| have ADD or ADHD the Ritalin really does help | | | | all. Everyone thought I was a cool kid and |
| and you can finally think things through and | | | | all the girls wanted to go out with me, and |
| understand things that never seemed possible | | | | they didn't seem to mind that I was in those |
| to me, as if I never wrote a book until after | | | | funny classes. You know how it is for the new |
| I received Ritalin, so you be the judge? | | | | kid; everyone likes him, including all the |
| | | | girls. After I had gotten used to it, I |
| I must say when I passed first grade, I was | | | | actually liked my new school and it was |
| kinda sad. I mean I really loved Mrs. | | | | really fun and I was more popular at the new |
| Lambert. We became good friends and she had a | | | | school than I ever was at the old one. |
| positive effect on my life. Even years down | | | | |
| the road I have always gone back and, stopped | | | | (I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT.) |
| in, and visited her. | | | | |
| | | | The coolest part of going to the new school |
| Now let's talk about my nightmares. They were | | | | was the fact that one day during gym, I hit |
| terrifying and paralyzing at the same time, | | | | my future wife in the face with a ball while |
| and half the time I would swear they were | | | | we were playing dodge ball. I had to sit out |
| real! | | | | the rest of gym because of that. I didn't |
| | | | know that she would be my wife then; I didn't |
| Not sure if my having ADHD was one of the | | | | even start to go out with her until a few |
| reasons for seeing and hearing things, but | | | | years after high school. I didn't even know |
| they were so real to me. Live ghosts sucking | | | | her name at the time, as she was not in the |
| out my very last breath. Watch out! A | | | | "in crowd," as us cool kids put it. |
| skeleton running wildly after me from the | | | | |
| bathroom. Oh, how I hated nighttime. How I | | | | (POPULAR!) |
| feared the darkness. As the day crept closer | | | | |
| to night I'd feel worse and worse, without | | | | I did just fine in the new school and passed |
| fail. I knew that hell was right around the | | | | the sixth grade, thank God. I really don't |
| corner and was ready to appear with all the | | | | think I could have handled another setback. I |
| bastards eagerly waiting to take their turn | | | | mean I failed first grade and almost failed |
| to make my life a worthless mess and a living | | | | fifth, I would have lost my marbles if I |
| hell. | | | | would have failed sixth. I didn't start |
| | | | kindergarten until I was six because they |
| (IT WAS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!) | | | | said I was too immature and I am sure they |
| | | | were right. Just look at the tough time that |
| I CAN BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOU, STILL TO | | | | I had in grade school. |
| THIS DAY HAVE NIGHTMARES, HIT THE WALL WHILE | | | | |
| I AM SLEEPING, FALL OUT OF BED, YELL AND | | | | Now it was off to junior high. Man, I thought |
| SCREAM IN MY SELP AND DON'T EVEN KNOW I AM | | | | I was a cool dude, only two years away from |
| DOING IT UNTIL MY WIFE OR KIDS TELL ME SO, SO | | | | high school. My problems, unfortunately, only |
| NIGHTIME REALLY IS NOT MUCH FUN FOR ME AT | | | | escalated. |
| TIMES STILL! | | | | |
| | | | Now I have to let you know that after |
| When the sun went down, it would take me | | | | starting school late and then failing I was a |
| hours upon hours to get to sleep; I'd toss | | | | small kid because of the premature thing I am |
| and turn all night long. I would wake up and | | | | sure of, I could not play sports because I |
| it would feel like I just went to bed! I | | | | was too old for my grade. Now how do you |
| would never get any rest; I felt as tired as | | | | think that makes you feel? You cannot play |
| or worse than when I lay down. It was very | | | | sports and you feel about so big and not in a |
| painful, the continuous and sheer energy | | | | good way! Therefore, this pushed me to the |
| without a safety shut-off switch. | | | | party crowed and this almost sealed my doom! |
| | | | |
| (OH, HOW I LOVED THE DARK!) (NOT!) | | | | Listen to Arthur Buchanan on the Mike Litman |
| | | | Show! THIS LINK WORKS, LISTEN TODAY! |
| I would never just go to bed and fall asleep. | | | | |
| Never. I would I just lie there under my | | | | With Much Love, |
| covers and fear the darkness with a passion, | | | | |
| and my mind just loved this. It would create | | | | Arthur Buchanan |
| things that I could be afraid of. How about | | | | |
| this, it would say, and that, and then I | | | | President/CEO |
| would just dwell on its suggestions. | | | | |
| | | | Out of Darkness & Into the Light |
| (A TERRIBLE THING TO DO!) | | | | |
| | | | 43 Oakwood Ave. |